[LCC-Club] [Aire Waves] Re: last Sunday's Beginner's Trip (or: Paddling de Nile)

[Steve H.]

Hi All,Following the Martin’s recent blog entry, I feel that as
chairman I should make the club’s position clear on this sorry
situation.These problems first began a few years ago when Martin
Thornton purported to have had a life-threatening encounter with a
small vole. Now we all know that none but the most athletic water vole
is likely to create enough of a bow-wave to upset a grown man, but at
the time we were willing to suspend our disbelief. And Martin was
certainly upset.Things went largely quiet (apart from the odd hangnail
– Airwaves August 31st 2005) until earlier this year, when during the
Lakes Weekend, Martin bizarrely announced that he had been interfered
with by a rock troll on the Duddon (Airwaves January 27th 2009). He
even produced photographic evidence to support this wild allegation,
which may have taken in more than a few of you at the time, but the
photo has since been confirmed by experts from Kodak to be a very
professional forgery. Suffice to say, the police have now dropped their
enquiries, especially as the troll in question had a cast iron alibi -
being out of the country at the time.And now this latest incident –
‘ducks who don't want to get their knees wet’! Well, something has
obviously finally tipped Martin over the edge.As Martin is now
beginning to present a very real danger (and navigation hazard) to both
himself and indeed other paddlers, I have taken it upon myself to
arrange a consultation for him at the Yorkshire Centre for Paddling
Disorders (based at the renowned Vesper Gate Clinic for the Terminally
Knackered in Leeds). In order to not upset Martin unduly, I will tell
him that it is a coach mentoring session – please back me up in this
small white lie should Martin mention it to you.Thank you for your
continued patience in this matter.Regards,Steve Henderson, Chairman,
Leeds Canoe ClubP.S. following informal discussion of the case with
consultants at the YCPD, the experts believe that Martin is suffering
from Obsessive Compulsive Swimming Syndrome, a rare but serious
condition, possibly brought on by extreme swim envy when Martin
subconsciously realised he was unable to compete with Your Chairman in
the annual swim count. Everyone please observe Richard Gatehouse
closely in the coming months in case a similar pattern of symptoms
should manifest.

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Posted By Steve H. to Aire Waves on 3/04/2009 08:09:00 AM
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